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Writer's pictureAshy Anil

From Excitement to Exhaustion: My Journey in a Toxic Workplace

*Disclaimer: All the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this story has been changed for privacy reasons. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events may be purely coincidental.


This is a long one, but I hope you can still read it till the end. Usually, we hear about the after effects of a toxic workplace but rarely focus on the exact events or scenarios that turn these workplaces toxic. In this article, I will be talking about my journey from being an excited new joinee to a miserable employee.  As I write this, I am not sad, angry, vengeful, or depressed. I wish I had a label for what I feel right now. My thumbs hovered over the keyboard many times, starting and stopping, unsure of how to begin. But my mind is set on one thing: talking about toxic workplace cultures.


It started as just another job onboarding, but this one was exciting for me. I had been struggling to break into the mental health field after years in IT. In India, a bachelor’s degree holds little value compared to other countries, where people are still seen as employable and trainable. Of course, this depends on the role and field. But it’s disheartening when your peers with the same qualifications excel because they’re given opportunities, while you feel left behind. This isn’t about how rigged or questionable the education system is in India—it's about the workplace.

The job onboarding was swift—so swift that it all became a blur. Excitement overshadowed common sense, so I didn’t worry too much. For the next few weeks, I was engrossed in doing my job perfectly. I was proactive in learning, making client cases, taking notes, and developing intervention ideas. For the first time in my life, I thought I had hit the jackpot. I was working in the most comfortable place ever.


Beneath the feminist positivity was a darker reality: women can be their downfall. It all started when Kaveri wanted to revamp the product and process. Her increment was on the line. Suddenly, people seemed distant, disturbed, and disconnected. I was dealing with personal issues at the time, so I didn’t think much of it until one day, I saw that a colleague, who was also a friend, had updated her LinkedIn status to "Open to Work." She told me she had resigned, for the second time. She shared some things about the office that sounded mildly concerning, but I didn’t give them much heed.


A few weeks later, another teammate told me she had also resigned. I still don’t know how she held on for so long. She was a strong woman, single-handedly managing her family. She had her shortcomings, but if she had been properly trained, things might have been different. The company didn’t seem to understand the importance of having someone with a psychology background for this role. Even she shared some concerning things that alarmed me more this time. I remember rushing home and telling my husband, “Vidya is leaving, and I think something is not right at the office. People are leaving, and I’m scared.”


This continued until another teammate announced she was quitting. This was the third resignation in three months. She had to put up a fight to be let go, and management even asked her to find her replacement. I was left alone in my team, doing extra work and training new hires. Was it easy? No. Fulfilling to an extent? Yes. But now, looking back, it feels like a mere act to brush the main issues under the carpet and put on a facade for unsuspecting employees like me. I also noticed Kaveri’s demeanor change. Slowly, I started resenting her because she made me feel powerless, weak, confused, scared, and worried—all while trying to put food on the table.



By the end of 2023, I was in a defeated state of mind. Logging in filled me with anxiety. It took time before I could minimize those feelings. I was so close to resigning and started actively looking for jobs. I remember breaking down in front of a colleague, telling her how tired I was of feeling “not enough” or “incompetent,” despite doing everything right. I had a heart-to-heart with the CEO, hoping things would change. For a brief moment, I went to work with less anxiety, thinking things might get better since now the CEO was aware of the situation. But that hope quickly faded when I realized nothing would change.



In early 2024, a new hire left, citing toxic management. She had a lot of responsibilities and quitting wasn’t easy, but if someone reaches their breaking point, it says a lot about their experience. Things became shaky after that as people continued leaving. Another new hire, who was friendly with the manager, seemed to be in a honeymoon phase, but we all knew it wouldn’t last. I found it hard to trust her initially and shut her out.  My gut was right, the new hire realized what was happening in a month and came out of that phase. We talked about it like mature adults and now she is one of my good friends from there. 


One pivotal incident created a domino effect of emotions and actions. I had been actively searching for a job and participated in an activity organized by a friend in the industry. It wasn’t paid, but it took up my Sunday afternoon. It was on my day off, and it wouldn’t hinder my current job. That night, I posted a photo on Instagram with the hashtag #newbeginnings.


What followed was an interrogation. The company accused me of “joining a competitor,” “conflict of interest,” and “breach of policy”—all based on assumptions when in reality, this accusation was made by untrue means. I had to explain where I was, what I did, and how many hours I spent there. I felt humiliated and upset like every move of mine was being watched and judged. My gut feeling was right. This incident pushed me to search even harder for a new job. The three-month notice period was a big hindrance, but I kept trying. I knew this place wasn’t safe for me, mentally or emotionally. I couldn’t trust anyone, and everyone seemed to have a double face.


I took a pause, looked at my social media, and started removing all current employees from my accounts. I felt a sense of fear for my privacy because this whole fiasco had started over an Instagram story. For days, I wondered who had reported me. Later, in a heart-to-heart with another employee, I learned the truth, and I realized there was no hope for me here. I was also confronted by some who noticed they had been removed from my social media. My only response was, “I don’t feel safe with you on my social media. It’s not because I hate you; I just want to keep our relationship professional. I hope you can respect my choice and privacy.”


Everyone who knew what I was going through told me to resign. The thing is, I wish I were brave enough to do that. I have responsibilities, and leaving without a backup plan wasn’t an option for me. Unsurprisingly, even the newest hires recognized the toxicity within weeks of joining. Every employee tried to tell the CEO about the problems, but no action was ever taken. Unfortunately, that was the only thing we had in common. If you Google signs of a toxic workplace environment, I could check off every box.


Midway through the year, we noticed the CEO becoming more distant. One week, she held a meeting about how we should support each other as colleagues. Transparency was never a thing within our office, so we were left to figure it out on our own. I thought someone must have raised a complaint about another employee. The following week, the CEO held another meeting, complaining that her advice wasn’t working, that there was no harmony among colleagues, and that she wasn’t afraid to start from scratch if she had to. This time, she was furious, making the workplace even scarier.


What followed was a discussion between the CEO and me, where she asked me to leave over a LinkedIn post I had liked. I was accused of things I hadn’t done. There was no investigation, no inquiry—just accusations. All while the real issue, the manager, remained unaddressed. It was my livelihood that was taken away. I lost the battle because I chose to speak up about the issues in the workplace. I had wanted to leave that toxic environment for a long time, but never without another offer in hand. This experience, unfortunately, made me lose faith in the concept of women's empowerment because, in many companies, women are their boons.


Unfortunately, another employee also had to be the scapegoat. She had also come from another toxic work environment but genuinely believed she could progress in her career in this company. I can only imagine how traumatic this must have been for her especially since this was her proper step into the workforce. For a decision made on a whim, the manager was ready with exit formalities forms, which was suspicious. Did she always have printed copies of exit forms lying around just like that? This is also why I didn't bother to argue so much with the CEO because at one point I felt there was no point in trying to justify the reality of how the manager was using the CEO and I should take this as an easy pass to avoid the 90 days notice period. The discussion sounded very heavily manipulated by the manager. The CEO did not have the guts to say things her way, instead, the things she told me during the meeting were very much of what the manager says. With my exit, I hope this place becomes “MORE POSITIVE” to work at. It’s only a matter of time until they realise, I was not the problem. I was the whistle-blower. But I have no hope.  


We often tell others to speak up. But despite many employees raising concerns, who stayed in the end? The manager—the harsh reality.

New hires quickly saw the toxicity and awkwardly asked if this was normal. Embarrassingly, we would respond in unison: "Yes."


Mental health companies should set an example by prioritizing their employees' mental health. Inside our workplace, there was a saying: “If only they took care of their employees like they take care of their clients.” When we’re hired, all we focus on are the positives. No HR will tell you that a manager is toxic or that the employee retention rate is low. Targets matter more. I can't stress much on how important this is. If you are the CEO of a mental health company, your strength is your employees. Once you ensure they feel safe in a workplace, they will ensure that your business runs smoothly.




So, should I keep quiet just to get my salary? Should I endure the toxicity, suffer in silence, and let it be just to feed my family? Should I sacrifice my health to progress in my career? Should I, like the majority of workers, just do my job, shut up, and let the toxicity win? Who is going to pay for my therapy when the company you work for is the one responsible for your anxiety?


I still don’t know what lies ahead of me because the job market is tough. What happened to me was unfair. When your friends call to congratulate you on being unemployed from a place like that, it speaks volumes. I know one thing for sure: Every employee deserves a safe place to work—not just physical safety, but emotional and mental safety too.


I am just wondering; how is any of this normal? Not only that these kinds of incidents normalized, but it's rarely questioned. 


  • **How is it normal for you to impose your HR/Work policies on your least favorite employee but it's okay to bend it for your so-called work buddies?


  • **Why are whistle-blowers seen as a red flag when they are reporting about an ongoing issue?


  • **How is it normal for a young company of just 10-11 people to have such a large turnover rate? 


  • **How is it normal for you to tell the employee to do one job but get mad at them for not doing a job that was not in their job profile in the first place? E.g.: a content writer doing an HR job in the name of “added experience” and them getting scolded because they didn’t hire a candidate. 


  • **How is it okay for a mental health company to give zero value to their very own employees' mental health? Why not practice what is being preached everywhere?


  • Why are we keeping quiet about these things? Where are the hashtags and boycotting?


My questions won't stop, but I know for a fact that unless we as employees do not start talking about such issues, this won't stop, and also not everyone nice to you is your friend at work.


To conclude, we are all at a certain workplace for a reason, and I want to help make that experience a pleasant one. I was there to fulfill my dream but the toxicity engulfed me. If you’ve read this far, thank you for your time. I’m looking for mental health-related jobs, whether in writing, counseling or even helping introduce employee wellness programs in companies. Please share any leads as it will help me feed my family. May all of us who work to feed our families or make a statement find happiness.



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